I don’t think that I would like to give any other context, because it’s really beautiful to just allow who I am right now to unravel without any kind of story behind it. That’s something I am kind of aiming to do. To allow myself to unravel in the truth of the moment, without putting on all the stories. 

When I am asked these kind of questions like, ‘what is your job?’ I tend to not like to answer that because every time again you are perpetuating the same kind of story. The story of some study I finished or some job I made, or some jobs that I want. But sometimes it’s not even true anymore. Sometimes we keep on repeating and perpetuating the story of your self just out of a routine, because you need to answer the question. Why not allow the moment to speak to me and show me who am I. Isn’t that so much more beautiful, to experience myself. To explore the self that wants to show herself in this moment, rather than already putting on a stamp, like that’s her. That’s her job, so these are the kinds of questions you have to ask her. 

So all of that to say, this is what I am going to tell you about who I am. 

Question: Is there anything definitive as to what makes you, you? Or anything that is consecutive or constant or is it always changing in-the-moment? 

Answer: This is what I am finding out. This is what I am exploring. There is definitely something very interesting. Which is that I remember myself being very small, maybe three years old or something like that. I am able to put myself into the memory of myself in a kind of inside perspective very easily. When I remember my self awareness, or self conceptions, or the feeling of being myself at that moment it’s not different in any way then how I feel right now. 

And obviously so many things have changed. Even just since last week I have changed so much I have grown so much. So many more insights have come to me and I have learned so many more things and I am such a different person. But there is a part inside myself, from the inside view, a feeling that never changes. I have always felt myself the same person. There is something which I feel true about myself and that is not necessarily things you would name. There’s not necessarily a label that I would be able to put on. It’s more a feeling of, that’s the truth of how it feels to be myself. That is something that has never changed. 

Question: Would you say it’s more the perception of being that is constant? 

Answer: The perception of being is also something that changes in some way. Because sometimes being is so vast. Sometimes I am really so astonished by the profound experience and the depth of existence. It actually makes me dizzy sometimes. There are moments where I have to sit down when I am becoming aware of how deep existence actually is. Sometimes being is also so fucking burdensome and feels so difficult and it just feels so hard or it feels so limited in some way. There is both, the feeling of expansion and the feeling of limitation. But in the perception of whatever it is expansion or limitation, there is something which is constant and that is a perception of myself experiencing whatever kind of dimension of being it is at the moment and being able to change that of course. Because you can feel overwhelmed by a feeling of expansion also and you can also feel very comfortable in a feeling of limitation. It is a choice you are making. 

Question: Is there a state, either in limitation or expansion, or a time, or any other marker where you feel more yourself? 

Answer: That’s interesting, I don’t think it’s more feeling myself but maybe if it’s easier to enjoy being myself. For me, I really have come to perceive the way I am moving in the world very spacious, spacial kind of dimension, so I am seeking expansion. Whatever makes me feel expansive, I notice, that’s where I want to go. Wherever I feel limitation, that’s what I am choosing not to choose. But sometimes limitation is there, because, of course, we are these unlimited beings who can cross all the physical boundaries, who are connected, who don’t exist, who don’t have a beginning or an end. Yes, I do feel that. But at the same time we are pretty limited. I mean physically. The physical body is part of myself. That’s the vessel that I am bringing inorder to travel in the physical realm. So it is an aspect of myself. And of course, there is no way around feeling the limitation of that, you know. 

What do you do with that? There is a limitation. You can enjoy that too. I just had this situation one or two weeks ago where there was a visa situation where I could not continue my journey in the way I wanted to. I was against the densest of all things, burocracy, rules, regulations, and how things have to be. Getting into that kind of space especially after I was in a very high vibrational state before, was incredible. I mean it was mind boggling how from such a state of massive expansiveness, I, all of the sudden, got into that. Where the physical world showed me, ‘yeah darling that’s nice that you can fly, but here check your passport. You want to go. You cannot go. What you going to do with that?’

At a certain point, I was just like, ‘I don’t know how to get out of this. There is no way.’ So I just surrendered, I felt myself at a certain point laying on my back with a massive headache, and I’m like, ‘wow. I am feeling so limited right now.’ And it’s really interesting to feel the consistency as a texture of limitation. I want to continue but literally there is density that holds me back, I get a headache and everything. This is incredible. And then of course there are these other moments of expansion, so in my choices, I definitely, if I have a choice, I choose expansion. 

That was not always the case. For sure there were moments in my life where I chose limitation. Because that was the safer version. That’s kind of like, as long as I am staying in limitation there is a reason for me to not feel expansive and I can blame something else that I am now not feeling expansive. I have an excuse to not be expansive. So I choose limitation, I choose situations that limit me, I choose to talk to myself in a way that limits. I choose relationships that limit me. All these kinds of things that make me feel that limitation so I have something to blame.

But I notice this pattern. I am noticing that, this isn’t the right way. Same thing with a feeling, if I am jealous, or envious, or angry, or resentful. I notice I am contracting and I am limiting myself by having any of these feelings. Then I am noticing, no this is not what I want. I don’t want to feel like that. Let’s get rid of that thing and choose something that makes me feel expansive, so I choose compacion, I choose love, I choose joy, I choose self responsibility. I choose, also in the moment when my body is so limited, to enjoy the limitation rather than be angry about the limitation. Because it is possible to be physically limited, but at the same time choose an expansive approach to the limitation. It doesn’t have to be the samething. 

That is what you are learning with yoga. You get into an asana and it’s really painful and now you can listen to your head which tells you, ‘this is painful. This is not good, you should not be in that asana, get out of it!’ Or you just alow the mind to talk and you just relax and you notice how your body can be in a state of exhaustion or tension while you can be in a total state of relaxation. So these both things are possible so I choose expiation. I am looking for how I can flow in a way that I am feeling expansive even though maybe I am in a limited situation. 

Now coming back to your question, because I still do remember your question. If any of that is more me. Yes, definitely. The expansive version is way more me. Of course, definitely. The limited version, that is not me. That’s a very small part of me that is usually kept small by the ego. That’s kept small by something that is very scared. Because it cannot look beyond the physical realm. The ego is not able to look beyond the physical realm so it gets very scared the moment it notices there is an expansion happening. It tells you, ‘No! Stay small, stay small, stay small!’ Because that’s the only way the ego can actually… I am choosing to see the ego as a protector. So I am very very grateful for the ego, because the ego is making sure I can drive a car, or walk on the road in India without being run over. Well, maybe that is not the ego, but even a higher force (laughter). Because the ego is overwhelmed with that degree of chaos.

But that’s why the ego is limiting me because it cannot control that thing which cannot be controlled. Where only surrender, where you can only alow yourself to get into the grace of the unlimited version of yourself. And of course when I am in that expansiveness I am flowing. Everything is easy, things are light, I am feeling joy, I am feeling good. I am just simple even. That’s a higher vibration of me. The other one is a lower vibration of me. Both are me. But the one is more me, I would say. 

Question: Would you say that what makes you less yourself or the lower vibration of you, is you? 

Answer: Yeah definitely. I don’t really think an external force can do anything to me if I am not allowing it. That’s a very clear answer. Just as the example I said before. I am sitting there in one of the most terrible places in India, where really no one wants to end up. And I am there. I don’t know how to continue. Yes it’s dusty, yes all kinds of things. But now what do I make out of that, that’s my choice. So the limitation does not come from the outside. The limitation comes from what I am doing.

You can feel horrible in the most amazing situation. You also know that. I know that also for myself. I am in paradise, I am walking along, the sun is shining, the colors are so bright, everything is amazing, beautiful music is playing, there is a beach, I am looking good, everyone around me looks good. And I am crying because… whatever, I am feeling self pity for something. So it’s always my choice. It’s always the inside that dicatets. 

Question: Do you have any other thoughts that were relevant or points of interest about the self or yourself? 

Answer: I think the most interesting question is, how do we find out? How do we get there? I think this is basically the reason why we are here, to find out. Exactly these kinds of questions and I’m just… this is where I am right now. Ask me tomorrow and who knows,,, I will tell you something else or something more profound. Or I will say, no no, no, all of this is not true. I don’t think that. It will just get a little bit different and maybe more refined. 

But I think that to ask this question is the reason why we are here. And everything else is just there to help us answer that question. That’s the game we are playing to actually notice, who am I. To really notice, who am I really. And all of these things: the job, the relationship, the family, the hobbies, the career, and the children, and whatever, the journeys I want to make. You name it, all these, kind of little games that are there to distract us or help us. I feel that’s the thing. If you know what these things are. That they are tools in order for you to realize the truth of your being. It is such a beautiful amazing wonderful experience to be here. And to play this game and to find out and to be really playful about that. If you know that, you don’t need to think it’s your purpose to be an architect, to be a mother, or …, then you get fired or you never get to be a mother and then you’re like, ‘O my god!, there is no purpose in my life.’ 

You never fail to live the purpose, especially not when you’re living consciously. I think it’s natural that you ask yourself the question, ‘who am I?’ It’s just a question of how refined you are with that. The other thing I really believe is that there is nothing that is me which is outside of me. I don’t have to go anywhere to become more me. I don’t have to read a book. I don’t have to buy a new piece of clothing. I don’t have to take a new course. I don’t have to play a musical instrument. I don’t have to learn how to paint. I don’t have to marry. You know what I mean. All of these things, they will never make me more me. Because it’s impossible to be more me. I will always be the same amount of me. It doesn’t change. I feel that this is something very important to realize.

Or at least it was very important for me to realize that there is nothing to do, for me to be more full of myself. Without meaning that as, ‘I am so full of myself.’ It is funny that this is even a bad thing to say. Isn’t that the most beautiful thing, to feel full with myself. How could this ever be a bad thing? It’s such a wicked way of turning around truth.  Saying, ‘ahhh, you’re so full of yourself.’ Yes! and please you be too. Everyone be full of your selves and just enjoy the splendor that we all are. Without needing to put any of these things on us that just dilute. 

I feel that realizing who am I, is not about reading another book or putting more on me, but getting rid of stuff. I mean that’s the netti netti netti. Get rid of that, get rid of that, get rid of that, and then see what is there. What is left when you put off all your clothes basically. What’s still there? What more can I leave in order to be my true self. And when I know that, I can enjoy it all without needing any of it. Because I know I am myself fully and completely and I can take what comes and enjoy, or be sad, or whatever I choose to do in that moment. And I can let it go when it goes.

I am always going to be complete. There is nothing I need to miss, there is nothing I need to long for, nothing I need to go for. There is no place I need to go to. I could, just the whole day sit here in the Himalayas somewhere, on a stone or next to a tree and I will never be less myself. I think that’s the important thing about the self, for me, to realize it’s always there waiting for me to see.